All I Want For Xmas Is Another Recount

I celebrated Thanksgiving with Jon and Ivana and several of their European friends, two Italians and two Brits. Considering the fact that Ivana is from Italy also and Jon was born in Marin County, that made me the only true American there. It was a fine traditional feast with all the trimmings, prepared specially for the occasion by an Armenian caterer from Santa Monica.

Afterwards we went to see the movie "Unbreakable," which many of us found disappointing. Maybe it was all the hype, but I was expecting something a lot more engaging than that. By comparison, a week later I saw "Best In Show" and was thoroughly delighted. I wonder what would happen if they gave Christopher Guest $10 million up front plus an unlimited budget and two box office heavies to star. Would he put out a dud like "Unbreakable"? Maybe "Best in Show II: Planet of the Shih-Tzus."

As for me, I continue to devote myself to my craft purely for the sake of artistic integrity, untainted by the trappings of wealth, success, fame, encouragement, attention, charity or even pity. Someday my monastic persistence will pay off and my earnest efforts will be recognized for what they truly are: a desperate attempt to gain wealth, success, fame, encouragement, attention, charity and/or pity.

Meanwhile, at work, the case I have been working on for the past two years has come to an end: in short, we won. One of our motions for Summary Judgment was granted, meaning the Judge was able to decide the issue as a matter of law rather than fact. So a lot of pressure has been taken off me and I can now look forward to possibly taking some extended time off in the near future. I may want to travel a little. I hear you can get some good deals on flights to Rome...

One final comment on the Presidential Litigation: I tuned in to see the sincere and heartfelt concession speech of Al "Call the Cops, 'Cause I Wuz Robbed" Gore and the homespun and unrehearsed acceptance speech of George W. "My Dad's Cronies and Powerbrokers Can Whup Your Dad's Cronies and Powerbrokers" Bush the other night and frankly it was quite a letdown. I was really enjoying the dramatic ups and downs of the "Battle for the White House." It was kind of exciting to log on to MSN each day to see the latest twists and turns and read the latest briefs, decisions, polls and analyses. It was also quite an education, I was getting to the point where I could actually name most of the members of the Supreme Court. (Sleepy, Dopey, Happy, Grumpy, Doc, Bashful, Sneezy, Prancer and Vixen)

Anyway, after the speeches were over, I watched a rerun of "West Wing" in which C.J. uttered the strikingly timely line: "In a democracy, sometimes the other guy wins..." It made me feel a little better to know that even though we have to suffer through four years of George W. "the Babbling Baptist" Bush, at least we can still take comfort in the fact that we still have a good man like President Martin Sheen to look up to.

When all is said and done, we all live in Hollywood.

Happy Holidays to everyone.

Love, HWD

Democracy Inaction

I turned 41 this month, and therefore now consider myself something of an elder statesman. As such, I feel it my patriotic duty to weigh in on some of the vital issues with which we, as Americans, are currently wrestling.

There are those who say that our beloved political system is a farce, a travesty, a multimedia interactive theater of the absurd. I myself have said those things. After a few beers I get pretty opinionated.

However, I believe if that if we examine our ongoing presidential crisis more closely we will find that it is a grand lesson in how surprisingly effective our endearingly cumbersome government with its myriad laws, arcane rules, Byzantine codes, nit-picking procedures and unfathomable electoral shenanigans, actually can be.

Here's two guys: One is a governor whose dad was president, vice president, head of the CIA, ambassador to China, ambassador to the UN and a war hero, and whose grandfather was a senator who co-founded a secret society called Skull and Bones that has covertly manipulated virtually every important historical event since WWI. The other guy is the friggin' vice president, has been for eight years, and before that he was a senator and so was his dad.

Both of these guys have all of the essential qualifications to be president: They are white males, they are at least six feet tall, they can smile and kiss ass at the same time and they have millions of dollars of corporate sponsored and professionally laundered funds at their disposal. They both waged impressive campaigns, strategically orchestrated by the finest political minds money can buy. They both offered well-crafted, easily digestible, virtually indistinguishable platforms covering all the issues the voters are supposed to care about. And they both did everything in their considerable power to persuade us to elect them president on November 7th, 2000.

But we didn't. There was a glitch in the system. A Florida state law that triggered an automatic recount, which in turn set off a chain of events that continues to unfold. Leaving us, thus far, without a winner.

And as far as I'm concerned, the system worked perfectly. Neither one of these guys did anything to capture the hearts of the voters. Neither one offered real change or even a half-baked attempt at change. Both just did what they thought they had to do to get elected. Both played the game as safely as possible. Both avoided risk. And nobody won.

Of course when the mail-in votes are counted we will probably end up with one or the other. But, whoever wins, I hope both candidates and their parties have learned an important lesson --

Don't count your dimpled chads before the state election commission, the secretary of state, the state supreme court, federal district court and a bipartisan committee selected at random from a pool of retired oil company executives and substitute teachers, determines that all state and local election codes have been observed and there is absolutely no chance whatsoever that anyone who voted in this past election will ever seriously consider passing within one thousand feet of an official polling place for as long as they walk on God's green earth.

Love, HWD

Harvest

It's been two years since I moved to Los Angeles, time for another review.

It's been a year since I began my latest screenplay, BEFORE THE FLOOD, and I'm still tinkering with it. Lately I've been working on three songs that are part of the story, which is about a burned-out rock star who has been enlisted by a kind of 'guardian alien' to help her defend the human race against annihilation by the cosmic landlords she represents. Two of the songs form the musical bookends of the story and even though I only use a few of the lyrics in the script, I felt that I needed to work out the rest of the songs for the sake of completeness. The third song doesn't even appear in the script, it is only referred to by one of the characters, but I like the idea of having an actual song instead of just a title.

The other script I have spent the most time on this year is IN YOUR DREAMS. The process of getting that contract signed sealed and delivered has turned into a Hollywood version of 'Waiting for Godot'. The latest word is that one of the partners at the production company has been on location all summer and hasn't had a chance to review my suggested changes to the contract. Uh-huh.

My job has turned from a brainless temp-job into a full time stress-fest. The case I'm working on has been dragging on for over five years and is currently scheduled to go to trial next spring. I am swamped with paper, tasks and deadlines and constantly at the beck and call of three very busy lawyers. And yet, most of the time it doesn't seem to affect me at all, because I know that at any moment I could walk out the door and never look back. That's because, thanks to the steady paycheck, I have been able to pay of all my debts and even save up a few bucks on the side. The real problem with the job is that I am getting used to the steady paycheck and am ignoring my writing.

I think the best thing that has happened this year was when Jon and Ivana moved here. I have missed having Jon around for the past few years and it's good to have him back in the USA. But the added bonus is that I have gotten to know Ivana. From the first day I met her, I have felt like we are connected on a level that goes beyond language and friendship. I feel lucky to have such good friends so close by.

My mom is coming out for a visit this week. On Saturday we are going to the wedding of one of my best friends from way back in Louisville, Gary Kostalnick. His family moved out here some thirty years ago and it will be cool to see him get married.

Sometimes I get to feeling a little disconnected from the rest of the world and that's one of the reasons I began sending out these letters. I don't know if the internet really does have the power to reconnect people to one another, it's just a tool after all whose power is determined by those who use it. But, tools can be very helpful at times, especially the right tool at the right time. Thanks for helping to keep me feeling connected.

Hope you are all doing well.

Love, HWD

Labored Daze

Yesterday I went to Beverly Hills Municipal Courthouse to testify against one of my neighbors. We've been trying to get rid of him for about a year because he has made his apartment into kind of a salon for the dregs of humanity. Their main mode of discourse involves staying up all night, getting drunk and yammering loudly and incoherently. In smaller groups, they can often be observed standing right outside my window boisterously demanding admittance, usually between the hours of 2 and 5 a.m. Sometimes you can find them passed-out in the upstairs hallway, or trying to jimmy open the back door in broad daylight. All in all, a multifaceted group of individuals.

Anyway, five of us tenants went to court to help the landlord run his ass out of here and apparently just showing up was enough to scare him off. He agreed to a 'stipulated judgment' that says he will move out by the end of the month or face a lockout. So, I didn't get to testify after all, but I did get to miss a half day of work. So it seems that there is justice in this world after all.

Meanwhile I've been going over the option agreement for IN YOUR DREAMS, and offering a few suggestions as to how it might be reworded so as to better serve my interests. First off, I suggested they get rid of the cap on the purchase price so that if the budget should exceed five million then I will get more money. Then, I recommended that they offer me right of first refusal to write the sequel and a minimum passive royalty of 50% of the original purchase price for the rights to the sequel. Finally, I reminded them that my credit should appear second from the end and in the same size and style as the director and producer. All of these things are part of the Writer's Guild standard agreement, I just hope the lawyer from the production company appreciates my taking the time to bring him up to speed on various items he seems to have overlooked.

For Labor Day I was a guest of Mark Bush, his wife Kate and their kids Aidan and Anabel at their home in Venice. I haven't seen Mark in a dozen years and it was very cool to have the chance to catch up with him. He is working for a cutting edge software company as some kind of director of global marketing. Of course when I ask him what that means, he doesn't seem exactly sure. Apparently he is very good at it though. Kate is a professor at USC -- I had run into her back in Brooklyn some years back at a party at Sara Garment's house. (Sara's Dad, Len, is the former counsel to Nixon who just wrote the book that purports to unmask 'Deep Throat' -- or would that be "to unsheathe Deep Throat?") Anyway, we had a cookout and played catch and watched home videos and all that fun family stuff. It was great.

And finally, I forgot to mention last time that I had seen Dave Todd in New Hampshire while I was back east. He was at this cottage where his brother Jimmy and Jimmy's then fiancee, now wife, Miranda were staying prior to their nuptials. It seems that Dave has been busy with certain family-making activities as well. More on that development as it gestates.

Well, that's it for now. Until next month.

A Midsummer Night's Dream

I am writing this newsletter from Frye Island Maine where it is a cool 72 degrees, overcast and slightly humid. Yesterday it rained all day. I loved it. I was getting so sick of the sunshine in LA a few weeks ago that I went to see The Perfect Storm just to watch the rain. Earlier today, I went swmming in the crystal clear waters of Lake Sebago. Later, we will go for a three-mile walk down to the new Frye Island Post Office and back. This is the life for me.

Last weekend I was feeling kind of lonely, so I called up my friend Ivana whose husband, Jon Sperry, has been in the Dominican Republic working on a movie. Ivana invited me over and when I got there I met her sister Laura (lah-oo--rah). Unquestionably the most beautiful woman I have ever met. And sweet as Tupelo honey. The two Italian beauties and I chatted for a while then went to dinner. I was feeling a lot less lonely by now.

After dinner, we went to a club in Studio City where a friend of Ivana's named Shannah was performing her semi-erotic confessional poetry/monologues accompanied by a rock band. Shannah is an extremely sexy blonde dynamo who is the former girlfriend of at least one famous hollywood star. Her most memorable poem is entitled: All I want to do is lay in bed all day (and masturbate). In addition to Shannah I also met another blonde beauty named Kai (or something like that) who is apparently the girlfriend of another famous hollywood star. Sitting there, surrounded by Ivana, Laura, Shannah and Kai, I was feeling anything but lonely.

We next went to a cigar club in Beverly Hills to see Kai's boyfriend and his jazz band perform. Kai's boyfriend turned out to be Jeff Goldblum and he invited Shannah up to the mike to perform one of her poems. Guess which one he wanted her to perform? Shannah brought down the house and gave the band quite a thrill as well. We hung around there for a while and I chatted with some crazy woman from Dreamworks who told me how she drove her BMW to Las Vegas on bald tires and see if she could make it there and back without a blowout. She didn't. After about fifteen minutes with her, I was feeling nostalgic for my loneliness.

The next day, Ivana took me to Paramount Studios for a couple of movie screenings and a reception. We were joined at the second screening by the very lovely Laura, sexy Shannah and another friend named Heather who is an actress. It was the first time I had ever been inside the gates of a movie studio and I was slightly giddy. Not to mention being surrounded again by beautiful women, which is nice.

Jon came home on Monday and on Tuesday he and Ivana and Laura and I went to the Santa Monica Pier and rode on the carousel they used in The Sting and then had a wonderful dinner. Did I mention how nice Laura is?

Thursday, Laura and I went to see the film The Big Blue. Laura is from Rome and is learning English, so she brought along her large Italian-English dictionary. I bought an Italian phrase book and tried to learn a few words to throw in here and there. Somehow we managed to communicate quite well. You know, I've always wanted to see Rome.

Friday, I paid one last visit to Jon and Ivana's to say good bye to Laura before I left for Maine. She is returning to Rome this week. They say its one of the places everyone should visit if they get the chance. Did I mention how adorable and charming Laura is?

Maine is like heaven with seafood. It is the greatest place on earth to be in August. I cant think of anywhere Id rather be than right here with my family on the shores of Lake Sebago.

Well, maybe one other place.

Hope everyone is well.

Love, HWD

Laura

Her eyes with blue dawn-light upon me shone,
And golden hair brought daybreak to the night,
That long had kept my heart from heaven's sight,
And left me blinded, wandering alone.

She stands as love's pure goddess newly born,
Delivered like an angel from the sea,
And reawakens hope in what could be,
Created fresh as on the earth's first morn.

Her sunrise ever lights my inner sky,
Her ocean drowns my thoughts and floods my mind,
Her beauty fills my landscape with its glow.

And when I see the stars so bright and high,
Or feel the sun, so gentle and so kind,
Her perfect gift is there for me to know.

Bastille Crazy...

Since my ankle still won't seem to cooperate, I have decide to take an extended break from running and give it a rest. In order to satisfy my craving for aerobic activity, I have taken up swimming. The park where I run also has a pool that opened on June 21st and I figured I should take advantage of the situation. The first night, I swam for about twenty minutes and then went home and cried for three hours. Not because I was particularly upset, but because I didn't have goggles on when I was in the water and my eyes felt like they were on fire. The next day, I bought some goggles. If I get out of work on time, I can swim for about a half hour before they close the pool and I sink to the bottom in a state of pure exhaustion. But the goggles help a lot.

To celebrate the July 4th Holiday weekend, I went to a Bob Dylan concert down in Del Mar, just north of San Diego. Originally, I was planning to go to the concert in Ventura (about an hour north of here) with tickets I won from the radio. But the tickets never showed up. Fortunately, the nice lady at the radio station offered to replace them with six tickets to the show the next day. Cool! I went with Brian and two other friends. However, when we got there we found out that the six tickets were actually three pairs of tickets: one for the fair and one for the concert. We didn't find that out until we had already bought fair admission tickets, though, and I had to buy an additional concert ticket as well. Bob was very good and did a really nice version of "Wheel on Fire."

Instead of driving all the way back after the show, I had made arrangements for a nice motel room just up the road. But when we got to the motel, we were told that my credit card had not 'authorized' and so they gave my room away. I had just used the card to buy the Dylan ticket earlier that day and made the guy recheck it himself. Of course, this time it 'authorized.' It didn't matter though, because there weren't any rooms left in that or any other motel in the area. So we drove home, arriving at 3:30 a.m. The next day I got a parking ticket.

Somehow, during the weekend, I also managed to lose a copy of my script: IN YOUR DREAMS. I had been working on another rewrite because a production company called Armada Pictures got in touch with me and asked to take a look at it. They liked what they saw and offered me an option. But first, they had some suggestions for a few changes. To my surprise, their ideas were excellent. They showed me where I could cut some extraneous material and helped reformulate the ending. They also had some great casting ideas. Since the movie is about a guy who dreams of being James Bond and then gets entangled in a real-life Bond-style adventure, they want to get Roger Moore or George Lazenby or Timothy Dalton (or any two, or all three) to play the villains. They keep sending me e-mails about how they are really eager to contact the "Ex-Bonds."

Before they do that, they have to have a signed option agreement from me, giving them permission. The original offer they made was about as low as you can go, although they offered me a "bonus point" for the rewrite I am doing. In other words they would give me an extra percentage point on the 'back-end' profits they receive. As any Hollywood writer will tell you, there ain't no back-end profits. Or to paraphrase a character in Mamet's 'Speed the Plow': "There are only two rules in Hollywood -- the first is there is no "net", and the second I don't remember..." Anyway, I looked up a few standard options on the Internet and counter-proposed an additional point on the 'front-end' i.e. percentage of the final budget once the film goes into production (or "real money"). I sent them my offer on Friday and worried all weekend. On Monday, I got a response from them giving me the extra point up front plus two extra points on the back-end, which was actually more than I had asked for. But, apparently they thought what I was asking for didn't include the "bonus point", so I ended up with what amounts to a standard Writer's Guild option agreement, even though I am not a member of the Guild. Pretty savvy, huh?

I still haven't received the agreement yet and I so I still have my fingers crossed, but it looks like as of next week we will be in business. There's no money in it for me at this point, because they are just starting out and they don't have any money. But, I am confident that the script will generate a great deal of interest and when we get the Ex-Bonds on board, the investors will be lined up around the block.

Tonight I am going to Cousin Blake's birthday party. Haven't seen those folks in a long time. I'm looking forward to telling them the news.

Hope everyone is doing well. Next month at this time I'll be in Maine.

Love HWD

Kim Dae June

First let's review the American Film Institute list of 100 Funniest Movies. I note that several selections from our own Favorite Flicks contributors made the list: #9 The Graduate is on Jane Halliday's list; #23 When Harry Met Sally is on Annie's List; #29 This is Spinal Tap and #31 Raising Arizona are both on Cousin Randy's list, #31 is also on Jane's list; and #88 The Jerk is on Sister Cindy's top 5. The only comedy on my list, Midnight Run, did not make the cut.

I got an e-mail from my old Mariner's Gate sidekick David "Tex" Hamburger, who has recently moved to Austin, Texas. Having lived there once myself I am certain he will eat it up with a greasy spoon. Fellow newsletter subscriber and Wes Alum Bob Sweeney lives there too, hey -- maybe you two should hook up for a couple Lone Stars and some Honky Tonkin'

You can also visit Dave at his website: www.davidhamburger.com

Speaking of Mariner's Gaters -- I've been spending some more time hanging with Jon Sperry and his lovely sidekick Ivana. They've given me some excellent notes on my screenplay APRIL FOOL as well as plenty of delicious pasta. They have recently returned from France where they closed up shop in Paris and then stopped off at Cannes to crash the Coen brother's party. They are the only people I know who can arrive in the middle of the Cannes Film Festival with no credentials and no hotel room and within hours they are partying with George Clooney. Actually that's not true, because they introduced me to a guy named Ralph who apparently crashed more parties and mingled with more celebrities than anyone could count. Ralph, among other things, is a professional 'pitch' man -- he goes to the studios with ideas for movies and sells them based on the idea alone and then hires a writer to do the screenplay. Beats working.

I got an email from another guy in Texas who wanted to know more about IN YOUR DREAMS, so I sent him the following description: "In Your Dreams" is more parody than farce in the sense that I took the classic James Bond adventure and turned it inside out by focusing on the person who gets rescued rather than the 'hero'. I actually got this idea from Ian Fleming's novel The Spy Who Loved Me but I reversed the genders. While there are certainly references to Bond sprinkled throughout, the story takes on a life of its own as the young lawyer is plunged into a world that exceeds his wildest dreams and meets a woman who makes those dreams come true. First and foremost, however, IN YOUR DREAMS is a comedy about what happens when the line between fantasy and reality becomes blurred and incredibly hot female secret agents have sex with timid, semi-geeky corporate lawyers.

The guy sent me another e-mail in response asking for a copy for 'production consideration' -- i.e. for one of our flunkies to read and the toss into the 'recycle' pile. But, it's worth a shot.

Brian and I have been doing some awesome hiking lately. Memorial Day weekend we drove out to a place called Crystal Lake in the San Gabriel Mtns. It's a campground about 5800 ft above sea level. We then proceeded to hike up to the top of Mt. Islip, elevation 8200 ft. It was rough going for those of us used to breathing oxygen, but the scenery was magnificent and the feeling of accomplishment was unbeatable. Last week, we went down to the peninsula of Palos Verdes and hiked around the rocky shoreline, past the wreckage of a Greek freighter called the Dominator that ran aground in 1962. Plenty of oxygen this time, but very treacherous footing. Again, though, the scenery was amazing. I, however, have one question -- since ships are always referred to as 'she' shouldn't the name of the freighter have been the 'Dominatrix'?

Happy Dad's Day to all the Dads.
Happy Graduation to all the Grads.

Love, HWD

Mother May I

Three weeks ago I took my first paid vacation since 1987. Kevin and Susie and the kids were here to see Susie's dad, Tim, who was recently diagnosed with lung cancer. I was invited up to Tim's house on Easter Sunday where the whole family had gathered -- all the Kiley kids except Susie have migrated to California.

On Tuesday, Kevin and his sister Barb (who lives in Santa Monica) and I took Megan, Ian, Molly and Casey to the Santa Monica Pier for the day -- some of us were even brave enough to jump in the ocean. Casey wound up in the water too, but his baptism was unplanned.

Wednesday we left Casey safely with Susie and joined forces with Chris Kiley and his kids, Samantha, Taylor and Andrew for a trip to Disneyland. We rode all of the rollercoasters and other major attractions and kept going until 10 p.m. by which time we were all pretty wiped out. That afternoon, Tim went into the hospital where he stayed the rest of the week.

I spent the next few days playing with the kids in Tim's pool while the grownups took turns visiting the hospital, some of the kids made a visit too. Friday night Tim called his kids in to say goodbye. He died the next night.

They held his memorial service at Forest Lawn on the following Wednesday and had a reception at the house afterwards. I met some of Tim's siblings and heard some funny stories about his first directing job, which he lied his way into, and how he would invite friends to see the Sullivan show and seat them behind whichever celebs Ed was introducing from the audience, so they would be on camera.

Susie and Kevin stayed around a couple more days -- their last night here, we had pizza at Tim's house with Susie's sister Laura, who lives in the guest house. Susie was trying to come up with an epitaph for her dad, but was having trouble finding something appropriate. She remembered one her father had seen and said was his favorite, it read: "See, I told you I was sick."

Last weekend, I went for a hike in Griffith Park with Brian Nesin and his brother Seth and Seth's wife Taunya. We took them up to the Observatory and hiked to the top of Mt. Hollywood. On the way down we decided to take a shortcut, a steep trail that cuts straight down the slope and avoids the long switchback. Tanya and Seth slid down successfully, getting pretty dusty in the process. I decided to try and remain upright and slid most of the way on my feet. When I got near the bottom I thought I could just run the rest of the way. I failed to take into account the large gully at the foot of the trail and the fact that I am no longer 16. I tried to jump the gully, but when I landed I pitched forward, diving onto my right arm and tumbling ass over teakettle. I wound up sprawled like a rag doll in the dirt. I sprained my wrist, bruised my forearm and my hip and scraped up both legs pretty good. I also damaged my ego.

Wednesday I was part of a group that was taken out to lunch by a sales rep from one of the court reporters we use. I had the fish. That night I woke up with major stomach cramps, dizziness and nausea.

By Friday I was barely functional at work. I've spent most of the weekend in bed. I think I am coming down with a cold.

By the way my health coverage started last week.

Happy Mother's Day to all you Mothers.

Hope everyone is well.

Love HWD

April Fool's Errand

After 10 years as a temp, I have reluctantly accepted a "permanent" position with the law firm I have been working for this past year. That's 10 years without health insurance, 10 years without sick leave or paid vacation. When my boss found out that I don't have health coverage she was stunned. 'What do you do when you get sick?' 'I sleep.' Nearly all of our clients are insurance companies and it is incomprehensible to anyone there that I don't believe in insurance. Look at it this way: If someone said to you, "I'll bet you five thousand dollars that in the next year you won't suffer a debilitating illness and end up in the hospital. If I win, you stay healthy and I keep the five thousand dollars. If you win, you suffer from a debilitating illness and end up in the hospital and I refuse to pay for half of your costs." Would you take that bet? Of course most of you already have. And as of this past monday, so have I.

I'll be taking a week of paid vacation next week, my first paid vacation since 1987, to spend some time with Kevin, Susie, Megan, Ian, Molly and Casey Kiley-Osborn, et al. They were all here a couple of weeks ago to see Susie's father, who has been very ill and won't likely live out this year. Tim Kiley has been a television director since the early sixties when he did The Ed Sullivan Show -- where he worked with Elvis and The Beatles among countless others. He also did several variety shows, including The Smothers Brothers and Sonny and Cher and eventually graduated to The Miss America Pageant and the Bob Hope specials. Susie has a picture of Tim hanging out with Bob and George Bush, but my favorite is the one on Tim's wall of him sitting on a Husquavarna motorcycle out in the desert with Steve McQueen standing next to him. The one with Sinatra is pretty cool too.

I finished the first draft of my screenplay, BEFORE THE FLOOD, and am getting ready to dive back in for a rewrite. I also wrote a couple of songs that appear at the beginning and the end of the movie, including the title song, "Before the Flood," which as many of you may know comes from a line in Bob Dylan song and was also the title of his live album with The Band.

I watched the Oscars with Jon and Ivana and some of their neighbors. Ivana could not understand what the big deal was with American Beauty. I said it's kind of an American thing. Hell, there must be thousands of French and Italian films that I don't get. Ivana has written a screenplay which Jon has translated that they want to give to their good buddy Harvey Keitel, the famous television star. They claimed to have finished a month ago, but every time I call they are busy rewriting it.

Brian Nesin ran off to Vegas last weekend with his girlfriend, Allison. I have not heard from him since then. You do the math.

I am having my car worked on today, I figured I have pushed my luck as far as I should by driving around for a year with bald tires and no brakes.

I have determined that there are two kinds of drivers in L.A.: The Heartless and the Brainless.

The Heartless prefer to drive large black SUVs with tinted windows and they like to merge into your lane without notice, completely unconcerned with the sound of your honking horn, the screech of your brakes and the torrent of obscenities you shout at their taillights. In order to qualify for the large black SUV (with tinted windows) you must first submit to an electrocardiograph test. If they determine that there is even the remotest possibility that you do in fact have a heart, you are not permitted to purchase the vehicle. Studio Executives need not take the test.

The Brainless, on the other hand, drive white mini-vans and enjoy such antics as making right turns from the middle lane without using their signal and pulling into fast-moving traffic and then driving at least 15 mph below the speed limit (which means at least 30 mph slower than traffic). In order to purchase the white mini-van, applicants must undergo a screening procedure involving an electroencephalogram and a CAT scan. If even the faintest trace of brain activity is indicated, the application is denied.

Until next time,

Love, HWD

Saint Paddy Cake

Within a week after they moved in, I was invited to dinner at Jon & Ivana's. We had pasta prepared specially by Ivana, who is known the world over for her culinary skills. In fact, the well-respected food critic Harvey Keitel once tried to persuade the Four Seasons to allow Ivana to prepare his dinner, in place of their regular chef. Unfortunately, due to stringent union regulations, it was not possible. Dinner, by the way, was excellent.

Surfin' Dino (aka Rob Sherman) showed up with his growing brood: new-guy Jonas is now in the walking-talking club as well as the climbing-on-furniture club and the cute-as-a-bug club. Clio is becoming quite the sophisticated and charming young lady, clearly taking after Rifka in this respect. Jon, Ivana and I spent a rainy afternoon in the lobby of their hotel playing dominos and stealing Clio's french fries when she wasn't looking. It's still hard to believe Dino is a respectable family man. It's even harder for him to believe.

Heard back from the big-time agent I sent MERLIN to, he said 'no thanks' but I could call him if I had anything else. I decided to pitch him IN YOUR DREAMS, but as soon as I said "It's about a young lawyer..." he said "I'm a lawyer and I hate stories about lawyers -- I'm in litgation right now and if I read a story about a lawyer I'd probably throw-up." A simple 'no thank-you' would have been sufficient.

I finally got back to work on my newest script, which is about a burned-out rock star who is chosen to save the world by a superior race of aliens and/or angels. Still having problems with the title, currently I'm calling it 'Faith' but other possibilities include: Before the Flood, Lost Angel, and Star Wars. That last one may cause me problems.

I have put in a little more work on the old HWD web site, specifically on the Favorite Flicks page. Only a few of you have sent in your list of top five favorite movies, and I thought that before I became too self-righteous about it, I should pick my own favorites. That turned out to be a lot harder than I thought. But it's also a lot of fun, because you get to go back and remember all those great movies you've loved and maybe forgotten.

I added a few links to the page that connect to sites like Roger Ebert's Great Movies and the AFI 100 Years, 100 Movies page. They help give you some ideas and reminders, but somehow I think the most interesting picks will be the ones that aren't on anybody's "Greatest" lists. So check out the Favorite Flicks web page and click on some of the links, then come up with your own list and send it in. Remember it is not legally binding, so if you want to add or change or even send in additional lists, that's just fine.

http://members.aol.com/rxe4255/flicks.htm

Hope everyone is doing well.

Love HWD

Lupercalia-fragilisticexpialidocious

I finally finished the rewrite of IN YOUR DREAMS for the guy who read my "log line" and synopsis on the Hollywood Script Reader's Digest. Then I called the nephew of the guy who tracks down our witnesses for us at work. The nephew, it turns out, is an agent who handles screenwriters at one of the major agencies (Preferred Artists). I'm all ready to pitch him APRIL FOOL, but while I'm on hold I take a deep breath and decide to chat with him a bit and see what he's interested in...

After a brief preliminary exchange he launches into a spiel straight out of The Player: "I don't want little movies, O.K. I don't know what you write, but I don't want small period pieces, I don't want 'Brazil 1921', I don't want 'coming of age', I don't want a warmhearted comedy set in a nursing home, I don't want Victorian England...I want big, I want event movies, special effects, The Mummy, star vehicles, Tom Cruise...that's what their looking for, that's what makes the money..." I said, "I have one of those.'' He said, "send it to me."

So I dusted off MERLIN, the first script I ever wrote, which I started writing 10 years ago, and began yet another rewrite -- more of a 'polish' actually. In the middle of the polish, I got a call from none other than Jon Sperry! He was in town and wanted to get together. I didn't hear from him for about a week after that, which was good because I wanted to work on MERLIN, but then I got a message on my machine from him saying that he and his wife, Ivana, had just rented an apartment in West Hollywood. Sperry is moving to LA!

Meanwhile, one day at work, I was interrupting Justin, one of the lawyers here, to get his signature on something, and he hands me the phone and tells me to talk to his friend Jim, who works for Gale Ann Hurd. She happens to be a producer (Terminator 1&2, The Abyss, Armageddon) and the ex-wife of James Cameron. Jim (not Cameron) told me to give one of my scripts to Justin to pass along to him (Jim). I say sure.

So Monday I send off MERLIN, and that night I call Sperry to remind him of the Jeanine Basinger reception at CAA. Tuesday I give Justin IN YOUR DREAMS for Jim (and Gale). And that night I go to the big party.

The first person I see at the party is Doug Bennett, president of WesU, and his wife Midge, who still remembers meeting my Mom in Florida two years ago. I also said hi to Jeanine, although I don't think she remembers me. I told her I saw her on TV last week on A&E (Lana Turner bio). She said she tried to tape it, but missed it.

Next I run into Bruce McKenna, another writer who wants to produce and has shown some interest in APRIL FOOL. With him is his beautiful wife, Maureen, who used to take acting lessons from: Jon Sperry! Maureen has blue eyes and red hair and I mentioned that that name McKenna suits her well, by the way what was her name before she married. Turns out it was Maureen Joyce. Now I remember, she's the girl Sperry told me about whose great-grandfather was this Irish writer named James Joyce. You may have heard of him.

Maureen and Bruce and I begin the Sperry-watch, checking in with each other periodically to see if Jon has showed up yet. In the meantime I talk to Bill Christopher (Father Mulcahey from TV's M*A*S*H) who knew my dad back at the Sigma Chi house, he wants to know who all the producers are, so I pointed out a few. One of them was Larry Mark, who agreed to look at MERLIN many years ago. I said hi and thanked him for that opportunity. Lately he's been busy with films like: As Good as it Gets, Simon Birch, Bicentennial Man & Hanging Up, among many others.

At last Sperry appeared, looking quite European, with Ivana, who is, in fact, European and who is also a beautiful redhead. (How come all these other guys get to marry beautiful redheads?) It was the perfect setting for a reunion, everyone was dressed up (except Joss Whedon) and there was free food and an open bar. I haven't seen Jon since he ran off to Paris, and I had never met Ivana (and in fact was beginning to doubt her existence) however, I ended up talking with her for a good part of the evening, and I can now confirm beyond the shadow of a doubt that she is real and she is terrific.

I was a lot more relaxed this year than last, even when I spoke with Akiva Goldsman, who apparently has hired Bruce to work on some new movie based on another comic book. None of the really famous people were there, which is kind of a shame because I really wanted to introduce myself to Dana Delaney this time, but I had more fun because I didn't feel any pressure.

Now what I'd really like to do is go out and see some movies.

Y2K Bug

Despite all of the warnings, I took no precautions against the so-called Y2K bug -- and now I am paying the price. I assumed it was all a bunch of hype brought about by millennium hysteria and the overzealous media. I should have heeded the warning signs: the scratchy throat, lightheadedness, slight chills... But by then, of course, it was already too late.

Christmas vacation actually started out quite well, I flew into Hartford on Christmas Day and met my parents who came up from Florida. Cindy and Susan picked us up and drove us to Woodbury where the rest of the family was staying. Somehow we all arranged ourselves in various rooms in Cindy and Angelo's house and set about the task of incubating the various viruses we had all brought with us.

My big plan for the Holiday was to get as many friends and family members as possible to meet in New York and spend the afternoon sight-seeing and shopping. Miraculously, the plan was a success: my parents, my sisters, my niece and my nephews met up with Kevin and Susie and the four Osborn-Kiley offspring plus David Hamburger at Rockefeller Center and proceeded uptown, stopping for pizza and sandwiches, before heading for the ultimate goal: FAO Schwartz. The plan kind of fell apart outside FAO Schwartz when half of the group balked at the massive lines to get into the fabled toy store and retreated to a fallback position in the lobby of the Plaza Hotel. Only a few of us were foolhardy enough to venture into the teeming cauldron of runny noses, irate parents and rampant consumerism. I spent the entire hour searching for my nephews, whom I finally found just as the last Lego "Boba Fett" Spaceship was snatched from the shelf right in front of their disbelieving eyes. (Fortunately, we were later able to purchase the same item from the catalogue at a much better price.)

Later that week I went down to Middletown to hook up with Dan Haar and catch some live music at The Buttonwood Tree. But the evil Bug had caught up with me, and after an enjoyable dinner, I suffered a complete meltdown and went straight to bed.

New Year's Eve was spent under the covers in the back bedroom (the sick room) at Cindy's house, waking up every few hours to watch the Eiffel Tower explode or to hear Tom Broke-jaw trying to say the word Millennium without spraining his tongue.

The next day I spent sitting on an airplane with a raging fever while all around me people coughed and sneezed and whined. When I finally got to LA and found my car, I realized that I had left my lights on and my battery was yet another casualty of the grim Y2K reaper. I waited in the parking lot for an hour before getting a jump-start. Ten minutes later the car died again and I had to flag down another car for another jump-start. Eventually I got home and went to sleep for 36 hours. When I got up I had to move my car, but the battery was dead again. So I had to pull it out and dump it into a shopping cart and wheel it up to the local mechanic to put a charge on it so I could wheel it back and put it back in and drive the car back to the mechanic to buy a new battery. The I went back to bed for 36 hours. The rest of the week was uneventful.

All in all, my Dad got the flu, my sister Susan got the flu, her son John got the flu but then it went away, My mom got the flu and it turned into double pneumonia, my niece got something like the flu but she was asleep most of the time I was there anyway. My sister Cindy who took care of us all, did not get the flu. But if she is smart, she will burn every sheet and blanket in the house. Thus, the insidious Y2K bug wreaked havoc on an unsuspecting population causing tremendous power outages, communications errors, echinacea shortages and Kleenex mishaps. But with pluck and determination and lots of suda-fed, we came through it with shining noses.

Meanwhile, back in Hollywood, I have to do a rewrite of one of my scripts: IN YOUR DREAMS. I had posted a description of it on a screenplay website almost a year ago hoping some producer or agent might see it and take an interest. Sure enough, one did. But it happens to be one of the screenplays that got electronically obliterated when I tried to transfer it to my new software. So I need to take an old copy and re-rewrite it with the notes I used before. You can view the description of this and three other screenplays now on my own EASTWORDS PRODUCTIONS website:

http://members.aol.com/rxe4255/eastwds.htm

And now I think I will go to sleep for about twelve hours.