Who says Hollywood has no values? What's the biggest movie out there right now? It's Mel Gibson's new biopic The Passion of the Christ. I just read today that Mel stands to make $350 million on this baby. You don't get more value than that. It's about time someone in Hollywood got rewarded for taking a real risk and making a movie that dares to buck the trends and tell a story that's original and inspiring. Kudos to Mel for being a real Braveheart in a world of Chicken Littles.
Like many great masterpieces, Mel's opus has endured its share of scorn and ridicule. Apparently some people of the Hebraic persuasion don't appreciate Mel's historically faithful depiction of the Jews as bloodthirsty Christ-killers. They can't understand how it took real guts for Mel to defy the "politically correct" fascists and make a strong statement that totally reinforces the type of negative cultural stereotype that has led to the oppression of Jews for centuries. That's Oscar-bait sweetheart! Sure he could have portrayed some of the Jews as sympathetic to the main character. Or given the guy a "wacky" Jewish best friend. But that would have been taking the easy way out. And "Mad" Mel don't take the easy way out.
Another criticism of Mel's gospel has to do with the relentlessly mind-numbing violence. I guess some people think that brutal beatings, sadistic torture and gruesome murder are not suitable for younger viewers. But Mel realized that in order to truly understand his film's message of love, hope and redemption, one would necessarily have to witness two hours of blood-spattered agony and merciless abuse. You don't reach spiritual enlightenment without a little suffering, people. The more sickening, disgusting and painful the experience, the more you will get out of it. Kind of like watching the Oscar pre-show.
Another brilliant gamble on Mel's part was to have all of the dialogue spoken in the original ancient languages. It draws the audience into another place and time and creates a vivid tapestry of sense and sound. Using the actual dialects heightens the reality of the world Mel has created and lends authenticity and gravity to the words. Besides, Costner scored big time with the critics when he did the same thing with the Sioux Indians in "Dances With Wolves."
Of course people will continue to try and chip away at Mel's vision, that is only natural when someone is so successful. But they can never take away the message of this powerful and important work. Because in the end it isn't really about historical inaccuracy or inappropriate violence or socially irresponsible characterizations or shameless profit-making in the name of spirituality. It's not a question of whether those who don't like the movie are actually going to burn in hell or simply bear the crushing burden of a miserable and hopeless life here on earth.
What it's about is weekend grosses.
And Mel has proved, in the only arena that really counts, that all you need is a good story, a main character that the audience will root for, and the unquestioned loyalty of nearly every Christian female in the free world and you will get the asses into the seats, my friend. Someone once asked "What profit a man if he gain the world and lose his soul?" Well, Brother Mel has shown us that it is possible to gain the world and save your soul at the same damn time.
Now that's what I call show business.
HWD
Today I celebrated Presidents' Day in accordance with the customs and traditions of our rich American culture to honor and preserve the memories of the many fine leaders of this the greatest country in the world: I bought a mattress.
Some of you may wonder exactly what buying a mattress has to do with a national holiday commemorating our chief executives. It's complicated.
First of all you have to realize that buying a mattress is only one of many ways that we can pay tribute to our illustrious Heads of State. You could also buy a dishwasher or a pair of pants or, if you really want to demonstrate your patriotism, an SUV. You see it's not what you buy that's important. It's the fact that you cared enough about America to go out and make a purchase on this historic shopping holiday. Because it is buying things that made this country great in the first place.
Think about it. Island of Manhattan? Ka-ching! Bought and paid for. Louisiana "Purchase" -- say no more. Alaska? -- Seward's folly my ass, how about Seward's damn good deal! Buying things is the very backbone of our nation. Look at slavery -- imagine where our country would be now if we hadn't gone out and bought all of those wonderful black folks! It just wouldn't be America without 'em.
And think of how our presidents get elected -- what's the first thing a candidate has to do if he wants to run for president? Exactly, he has to go out and raise a bunch of money. And how does he raise that money? How else? He holds a big sale and the special interests buy him off piece by piece. That money is then used to purchase airtime so the candidate can sell off even more of himself to the voters. But it's not just a one way deal, because he also buys their votes with gimmicky tax cuts (if he's a Republican) or ridiculous promises of jobs and health care (if he's a Democrat). It's a perfect market economy.
Now originally, there were two President's days, Lincoln's birthday and Washington's birthday. For many years, Lincoln's birthday was celebrated with the glorious "one penny" sale. Buy one item, get the second item for only one penny more! It was a fitting honor for a truly great man. In fact that is why Lincoln's face now appears on the penny. Similarly, on Washington's birthday, we had the "one dollar" sale. Same deal but this time it's a dollar. It didn't seem fair that Lincoln's birthday had such a better deal that Washington's, so Congress in its Solomonic wisdom decided to combine the two and make it one big sale for all to share and enjoy. A democratic solution if there ever was one! Now all merchants could take part in the celebration and instead of being limited to the "one penny" or "one dollar" concept, they could choose whatever sale price seemed most fitting to the occasion, say for example "50% to 70% off" or perhaps "no money down" or the ever popular "will beat any price in town!"
In these troubled times of war and terror and low-carb diets, isn't it nice to know that certain values still hold true, like the freedom of the American people to go out shopping and buy nice things and not have to make any payments until June!
I for one am proud to live in a land where I am not judged by my actions or my character or my beliefs, but rather by the clothes I wear, the car I drive, the gadgets I own and the limit on my MasterCard.
Let as all stop and think of the many gifts we as a nation have been blessed with, either in the form of a multitude of makes, models, colors and styles from which to choose, or in the endless array of payment plans available. And let us give thanks to our Dead Presidents for providing us with a national holiday on which to celebrate our blessings and enjoy to the fullest these fruits of capitalism which we so richly deserve.
God Bless America.
Love, Yankee Doodle Dick
Christmas has changed since I was kid. Not just because I figured out the whole Santa thing. Although that was a biggie. I'll never forget the year I finally realized that all those presents that magically appeared under the tree on Christmas morning were really from my parents and not from Jolly Old St. Nick. I went back to college that following semester a different person. Wiser, yes, but also a little sadder. I couldn't help wondering how the other kids in my dorm would react if they ever found out. Such a shock to a young developing mind. I wanted to tell them about my discovery -- to share with them the incredible life-altering revelation I had experienced. Perhaps to help guide them to a higher level of understanding. But, I couldn't. I just didn't have the heart. They seemed so innocent and pure and I didn't want to be the one to shatter their beliefs. No just yet. Maybe after graduation...
No, it's not just the mythology of Christmas, but the whole methodology of it that has changed. We used to write letters to Santa with our wish list of favorite toys: a G.I. Joe with kung-fu grip, a Hot Wheels parking garage and service station with working car elevator, an official size and weight genuine cowhide NFL football with real laces, and so on. Then we'd give the letter to our parents and they'd mail it to the North Pole so Santa could bring us what we wanted on Christmas morning. It was a simple system, based the time-tested foundations of delusion, deceit and mail fraud. And most of the time it worked. Although sometimes Santa screwed up and got a G.I. Joe that didn't have the kung-fu grip but had a cheesy fake beard instead. Or a matchbox parking garage instead of Hot Wheels. Or, worst of all, a plastic football with fake laces that were just painted on. Come on Santa!
These days such faux pas are unheard of, thanks to the miracle of the internet. These days instead of writing a letter to Santa, we simply send an email complete with embedded hyperlinks that, with a simple click of the mouse, whisk the reader directly to the websites offering the toys of our choosing and within minutes said toys have been purchased and will be shipped within 3-5 business days.
And as an added improvement, this year our family got really clever and instituted the Secret Santa program. Under the guidelines of this brilliant system, instead of buying and shipping a dozen different presents to locations all over the map, all you have to do is buy ONE present. That's it! You just click on the link, type in your credit card number and presto! Why didn't we ever think of this before? All that running around at the last minute to find a pair of gloves for your niece that are probably exactly like the ones your Mom got her last year. Staying up till all hours Christmas Eve wrapping a bunch of presents you basically had to settle on because they didn't really have what you were looking for and who knows what people really want anyway. Having to explain each gift as it is opened so the recipient will understand why it is so perfect for them, because they once told you they liked dolphins and this sweater has dolphins on it, although they are actually bananas but they look like dolphins if dolphins were yellow...
No more!
This year we each got one present apiece and everything fit and was the right color and wasn't a duplicate of something they already had. I got the book I really wanted and it was great. Even though I knew I was going to get it, it was still fun to have it actually appear all wrapped and under the tree because I didn't know who I was going to get it from. That's the key to the Secret Santa system: you switch the surprise from the gift to the giver. And some of us went to great lengths to keep our secret identities secret. Secret wrapping paper, secret gift cards, misleading gift boxes, altered handwriting. It became a challenge to keep the secret right up until Christmas morning. And for some of us who can NEVER keep secrets (my Mom) the challenge was very great indeed. But everyone met the challenge and no Santa was revealed until all the presents were open. And although some were easy to guess (my sister Susan) others were far too crafty.
So not all change is for the worse. In the case of the modern Christmas, I think we have made a few improvements. We found out that buying a bunch of silly presents isn't as important everyone getting together and having fun. The gifts weren't the focus, it was just the idea of all of us being in the same place at the same time that made it feel like Christmas. The gifts were just excuses. We could easily have bought them for ourselves, but it was a lot more fun to do it this way. On the flight back home to L.A. I thought about how lucky we are to enjoy each other's company so much. After two weeks, I would think most families would be at each other's throats. But I was missing them already. I really loved spending time with my family.
And that was really the best present.
Happy New Year.
