Sometimes it's important for a writer to get out of the house. If you spend too much time in isolation, cooped up with your own thoughts, it can make you a little loopy. I was starting to get a little stir crazy, having spent the past five or six weekends working my latest screenplay, and so I decided attend a screenwriter's seminar on how to write a screenplay that actually sells. I chose this particular seminar because it was being given by I woman I met once at the home of my good friends Jon & Ivana. At the time that I met her, I had no idea who she was or what she did for a living. But I did think she was really cool, very nice looking and had one of the best names of anyone I ever met: Victoria Wisdom.
As it turns out, Ms. Wisdom is not just another pretty face, she is in fact one of the most successful literary agents in town. She is the agent responsible for bringing the screenplay "The Usual Suspects" to Hollywood's attention when many others had overlooked it. Her client Chris McQuarrie got an Oscar for that one, by the way. Most recently her projects have included "The Red Violin" and "Love and Death on Long Island." She knows her stuff and for some bizarre reason is more than willing to share her knowledge with rooms filled with aspiring screenwriters.
Now it wasn't completely by accident that I found out about Ms. Wisdom's seminar this weekend. The thing is I'm putting the finishing touches on my new script and I've been making a list of people that I'd like to try and send it to. Victoria Wisdom is at the top of that list. I have been particularly focused on getting the word out this week because this is the weekend that "Kill Bill Vol. 2" opens. Some of you may remember an earlier newsletter where I ranted about the travesty of filmmaking known as "Kill Bill Vol. 1" and recounted the story of how I saw Quentin Tarantino in a diner one morning maniacally writing something in a spiral notebook. And how he left the notebook sitting on the table when he went to the men's room and I was tempted to take a look at it and even entertained the idea of stealing it, but decided instead to respect his privacy. And how that decision came back to haunt me when I realized that the script he was writing was "Kill Bill" and how I could have saved the world from being subjected to that horrendous crapfest by stealing the notebook and burning it.
But what many of you don't know is that in response to that newsletter I received an email from the incredibly astute David Hamburger who said, in effect: Dude! That should be your next movie. The story of the guy who DOES steal a screenplay from Quentin Tarantino. And that is exactly what I've been working on for the past several months, my new screenplay, "Stealing Tarantino."
I figured what better time to try and sell a screenplay that completely rips off the style of a Tarantino movie in order to tell the story of a guy who literally rips off a Tarantino movie than the week before the opening of the latest Tarantino movie. I mean, you can't walk two feet without hearing the guy's name. He was even on American Idol! So I called Victoria Wisdom's office all ready to pitch her my brilliant concept, but instead had to leave her a message. Then I thought I would write her a standard query letter and between the phone message and the letter she would become curious and call me back. But then I saw that she was giving this seminar this weekend and I realized that clearly it was my destiny to speak to her one way or another, so I signed up.
As it turned out the seminar itself was amazing. And best of all, she confirmed a lot of things I have come to believe about the movie biz in general and screenwriting in particular. For example she talked about the fact that execution, while critical, is still not enough -- you have to have the idea that's going to sell as well. Also, having a concept that has a built in audience or "brand" recognition is a huge help. Hello, Tarantino parody -- ka-ching! But the thing that really killed me was when she talked about how you have to be able to cast your movie with the right actors, because it is the actor who greenlights the movie these days. I have a running joke in my script about how every movie that gets pitched is "perfect" for Ashton Kutcher, and of course, one of the main characters in my movie was written with Ashton Kutcher in mind. So when Ms. Wisdom started naming names of actors we should be writing for and the first name out of her mouth was Ashton Kutcher I just about fell out of my chair.
After she was done talking I went up to the front table and introduced myself, reminding her that we had met once at Ivana's birthday party. She remembered seeing my name on her call list, which amazed me. Then she asked about Ivana and Jon and how they were doing. I told her I thought her talk was fascinating and shook her hand. She smiled a lovely smile said she'd talk to me soon. Yes! Now all I have to do is deliver the goods. So it looks like I'll doing another script polish tonight and tomorrow, just in case. But it sure felt good to actually get out and make a connection. In fact I enjoyed her talk so much, I've already signed up for another one of her seminars. The topic of that one is "Finding the Right Agent."
Ciao, babies
HWD
Who says Hollywood has no values? What's the biggest movie out there right now? It's Mel Gibson's new biopic The Passion of the Christ. I just read today that Mel stands to make $350 million on this baby. You don't get more value than that. It's about time someone in Hollywood got rewarded for taking a real risk and making a movie that dares to buck the trends and tell a story that's original and inspiring. Kudos to Mel for being a real Braveheart in a world of Chicken Littles.
Like many great masterpieces, Mel's opus has endured its share of scorn and ridicule. Apparently some people of the Hebraic persuasion don't appreciate Mel's historically faithful depiction of the Jews as bloodthirsty Christ-killers. They can't understand how it took real guts for Mel to defy the "politically correct" fascists and make a strong statement that totally reinforces the type of negative cultural stereotype that has led to the oppression of Jews for centuries. That's Oscar-bait sweetheart! Sure he could have portrayed some of the Jews as sympathetic to the main character. Or given the guy a "wacky" Jewish best friend. But that would have been taking the easy way out. And "Mad" Mel don't take the easy way out.
Another criticism of Mel's gospel has to do with the relentlessly mind-numbing violence. I guess some people think that brutal beatings, sadistic torture and gruesome murder are not suitable for younger viewers. But Mel realized that in order to truly understand his film's message of love, hope and redemption, one would necessarily have to witness two hours of blood-spattered agony and merciless abuse. You don't reach spiritual enlightenment without a little suffering, people. The more sickening, disgusting and painful the experience, the more you will get out of it. Kind of like watching the Oscar pre-show.
Another brilliant gamble on Mel's part was to have all of the dialogue spoken in the original ancient languages. It draws the audience into another place and time and creates a vivid tapestry of sense and sound. Using the actual dialects heightens the reality of the world Mel has created and lends authenticity and gravity to the words. Besides, Costner scored big time with the critics when he did the same thing with the Sioux Indians in "Dances With Wolves."
Of course people will continue to try and chip away at Mel's vision, that is only natural when someone is so successful. But they can never take away the message of this powerful and important work. Because in the end it isn't really about historical inaccuracy or inappropriate violence or socially irresponsible characterizations or shameless profit-making in the name of spirituality. It's not a question of whether those who don't like the movie are actually going to burn in hell or simply bear the crushing burden of a miserable and hopeless life here on earth.
What it's about is weekend grosses.
And Mel has proved, in the only arena that really counts, that all you need is a good story, a main character that the audience will root for, and the unquestioned loyalty of nearly every Christian female in the free world and you will get the asses into the seats, my friend. Someone once asked "What profit a man if he gain the world and lose his soul?" Well, Brother Mel has shown us that it is possible to gain the world and save your soul at the same damn time.
Now that's what I call show business.
HWD
Today I celebrated Presidents' Day in accordance with the customs and traditions of our rich American culture to honor and preserve the memories of the many fine leaders of this the greatest country in the world: I bought a mattress.
Some of you may wonder exactly what buying a mattress has to do with a national holiday commemorating our chief executives. It's complicated.
First of all you have to realize that buying a mattress is only one of many ways that we can pay tribute to our illustrious Heads of State. You could also buy a dishwasher or a pair of pants or, if you really want to demonstrate your patriotism, an SUV. You see it's not what you buy that's important. It's the fact that you cared enough about America to go out and make a purchase on this historic shopping holiday. Because it is buying things that made this country great in the first place.
Think about it. Island of Manhattan? Ka-ching! Bought and paid for. Louisiana "Purchase" -- say no more. Alaska? -- Seward's folly my ass, how about Seward's damn good deal! Buying things is the very backbone of our nation. Look at slavery -- imagine where our country would be now if we hadn't gone out and bought all of those wonderful black folks! It just wouldn't be America without 'em.
And think of how our presidents get elected -- what's the first thing a candidate has to do if he wants to run for president? Exactly, he has to go out and raise a bunch of money. And how does he raise that money? How else? He holds a big sale and the special interests buy him off piece by piece. That money is then used to purchase airtime so the candidate can sell off even more of himself to the voters. But it's not just a one way deal, because he also buys their votes with gimmicky tax cuts (if he's a Republican) or ridiculous promises of jobs and health care (if he's a Democrat). It's a perfect market economy.
Now originally, there were two President's days, Lincoln's birthday and Washington's birthday. For many years, Lincoln's birthday was celebrated with the glorious "one penny" sale. Buy one item, get the second item for only one penny more! It was a fitting honor for a truly great man. In fact that is why Lincoln's face now appears on the penny. Similarly, on Washington's birthday, we had the "one dollar" sale. Same deal but this time it's a dollar. It didn't seem fair that Lincoln's birthday had such a better deal that Washington's, so Congress in its Solomonic wisdom decided to combine the two and make it one big sale for all to share and enjoy. A democratic solution if there ever was one! Now all merchants could take part in the celebration and instead of being limited to the "one penny" or "one dollar" concept, they could choose whatever sale price seemed most fitting to the occasion, say for example "50% to 70% off" or perhaps "no money down" or the ever popular "will beat any price in town!"
In these troubled times of war and terror and low-carb diets, isn't it nice to know that certain values still hold true, like the freedom of the American people to go out shopping and buy nice things and not have to make any payments until June!
I for one am proud to live in a land where I am not judged by my actions or my character or my beliefs, but rather by the clothes I wear, the car I drive, the gadgets I own and the limit on my MasterCard.
Let as all stop and think of the many gifts we as a nation have been blessed with, either in the form of a multitude of makes, models, colors and styles from which to choose, or in the endless array of payment plans available. And let us give thanks to our Dead Presidents for providing us with a national holiday on which to celebrate our blessings and enjoy to the fullest these fruits of capitalism which we so richly deserve.
God Bless America.
Love, Yankee Doodle Dick
