Saturday, October 15, 2011

Nail Soup


So, I'm lying in the gutter the other night, on a street way up in the Hollywood Hills, trying to set up a video camera to record a couple of coyotes chewing on a stuffed dog.
Who says show biz isn't glamourous anymore?
No, it wasn't for a new reality show called "Extreme Cuddly Toys," though that does sound like a great idea. I was actually helping my friend Rosalee shoot a scene from the movie she's making, called Coyote Nights.
Rosalee is a very talented actress whom I met through my screenwriting group Deadline Junkies. She is also a single mom who raised two awesome sons. Part of the challenge of parenting a couple of teens in LA, was trying to steer them clear of the pervasive drug culture. It wasn't easy. In fact it was nearly impossible. Rosalee found herself literally surrounded by predatory drug dealers whose influence over her young sons terrified her.
She decided to get involved. So, she started asking questions, of her sons, of their friends, even of the drug dealers. And, as an actress and a filmmaker, she decided to videotape the whole thing so that maybe she could share their story with other parents and kids. With the help of her friend Kelly, a reality TV producer, she started making a documentary. She didn't know what she was going to find, she just knew she had to do something.
Cut to several years later: the boys are older now and have moved out of the house. Rosalee decides to start putting together the footage she shot during those tumultuous teenage years. But there are pieces missing -- you can't always have your camera with you when dramatic events take place. The most crucial scene was never captured: the night Rosalee and her boys saw the coyotes attacking the neighbor's dog.
Rosalee has tried on numerous occasions to grab some shots of coyotes out on the street at night, but the damn things never stick around long enough for her to run inside and grab the camera. She's even taken to carrying the camera with her just in case she runs into some coyotes out on Mullholland Drive some night. Which, she does. But, alas, it was too dark and the coyotes were too fast.
Finally she realizes that she needs to bite the bullet and hire some professional coyotes. This being LA, that's not as unusual as you might think. But it is expensive. Damn expensive. Coyotes don't work cheap. They have a very good union.
So Rosalee needs to raise some money.
She signs up on a website called IndieGoGo, which provides a forum for independent filmmakers to solicit tax-deductible contributions via the internet. She emails all her friends and posts the link on Facebook, and, little by little, the donations start coming in. Rosalee is amazed. This dream she's been holding onto for so many years is beginning to look as if it is within reach. But even with the donations, she still needs more. She needs cameras and camera operators. She needs lights and vehicles. She needs permits and insurance. The closer she gets, the more difficult it seems.
One night at Deadline Junkies, she tells me that she feels bad about having to beg everyone she knows for money or time or equipment or advice. So, I tell her the story of Nail Soup:
A group of travelers stops for the night at a roadhouse. They are strangers who just happen to be on the same road together. They are tired and hungry but there is nothing to eat. An old tramp announces that he will make them all some nail soup, using a magic nail he has in his pocket. Just put it in some water and stir it up and soon everyone will have a nice hot bowl of nourishing soup for dinner. "Of course," says the tramp, "nail soup does taste better with some carrots chopped up in it. But we will have to make do without." One of the travelers, however, happens to have a few carrots, and into the pot they go. The tramp smiles, "You know what else goes well in nail soup -- a bit of potato." Sure enough, another one of the travelers produces a potato, and into the pot it goes. And so on, until everyone has contributed what little they have and the nail soup becomes a hearty stew which easily feeds them all.
Rosalee's film is like the nail soup. It begins with an idea, but it becomes a reality through the collaboration and generosity of her fellow travelers. Rosalee sent out more emails, hit up more friends for favors, found out a way to get the permit price reduced, and worked out a deal with the coyotes. So, last weekend, there we were: four members of Deadline Junkies with borrowed cameras and lights, two volunteer interns, one out-of-town visitor who probably had no idea what she was getting into, and two Hollywood coyotes with their entourage -- all to help make Rosalee's vision into a reality.
And as with the nail soup, we all came away feeling nourished -- knowing we had contributed to something worthwhile and taken part in a moment of true creativity. It was an honor and a privilege to be lying in the street in the middle of the night trying to point a camera at a spot of light where two coyotes just might, if we are goddamn lucky this time, decide to hit their marks and do their bit.
There's still a long way to go before Coyote Nights is done, but that's the beauty of nail soup -- you never run out of it.
They say getting a movie made isn't a miracle. But it is a minor miracle.

Sunday, September 18, 2011

Hollywood Dick's 169th Dream

Based on actual events.
FADE IN:
INT. FAMILY HOME - EVENING
As in many dreams, I start out in my old house back in Louisville with my family. But the setting is fluid, shifting from one locale to another. Now I'm at my parent's place in Maine. Now I'm in my Malibu beach house. (Or more accurately, my Malibu Dream House.)
I am very sad. I have come to a decision. I am going to leave California and go back home. I am giving up on my "dream" of becoming a screenwriter. The decision weighs very heavily upon me. I can barely speak.
CUT TO:
EXT. DOWNTOWN LA - NIGHT
I am on my way to a special event: a movie screening, or a premier. I know the exact location, but I can't seem to get there. I am in an unfamiliar part of town. It is dark. The streets are confusing.
I find myself on the iconic North Broadway Bridge, with its rows of Beaux-Arts lampposts curving off into the night. It's like a scene from a movie. Like a scene from a hundred movies, where the hero is all alone and doesn't know where to turn. And the city is big and lonely and unforgiving.
I make my way through a series of alleys and side-streets filled with shady characters and lowlife types. I am a little apprehensive, but try to appear undaunted.
Despite the fact that I am totally out of my element, I feel like I know where I am going. I feel like I am getting somewhere.
I must navigate a series of confusing twists and turns, but eventually I arrive at…
CUT TO:
INT. PRIVATE CLUB - NIGHT
I am in a large, well-lit room at some kind of crazy party with a bunch of people I don't know. Everyone is drinking and talking and laughing.
A man approaches me from out of the crowd. He seems to know me. He is smiling and friendly. His face is slightly familiar -- like someone I might have seen on TV or in a movie. Apparently his job is to 'guide' me through the party, and keep me from misbehaving.
I have a glass in my hand, but it is empty. I go to the bar and order a drink. The bartender tells me that I have been cut off.
My 'guide' reappears and takes the empty glass away from me. I look around and see that everyone else is having a good time. I just want to get out of there...
DISSOLVE TO:
INT. CAFE - NIGHT
Small groups of people sit at tables, eating dinner and generally enjoying themselves. I am on a bench over against the wall. There is a stage at one end of the room.
A waiter confronts me. He seems to think I am someone else -- or that I am not who I am supposed to be. I do not know what to tell him.
Someone hands me a guitar and tells me to play. I take the guitar and strum a few chords. I feel confident. At last I have something that I know how to do.
I begin to play a song, but one of the guitar strings breaks. I try to fix it but decide that it is futile. I set down the guitar and walk away.
CUT TO:
INT. BACK ROOM - NIGHT
I end up in a small room in the back of the cafe, where I meet a beautiful woman. She has a great smile and seems glad to see me. Then she laughs and tells me that I have to leave right away. She will help me escape -- the only way out is through the window.
We try to open the window, but it only comes up a little bit. Just a crack. Not enough to get through. I keep tugging on the window but it won't budge...
FADE OUT.
...and then I woke up.

Tuesday, August 16, 2011

Fuck Off Day



Some lessons you have to learn the hard way -- and even then they don't always stick.
Back when I lived in Washington DC, I was going through a long and confusing breakup with a woman I had been seeing for several years. Part of what made it confusing was her notion that we should remain friends after we broke up. This made no sense to me, and I mistook her attempts at friendship as possible signs of getting back together.
One such misunderstanding occurred when she invited me to run with her in a ten-mile road-race she'd entered. Actually, she'd planned on running with a "friend," but when her "friend" dropped out at the last minute, I was invited to take her "friend's" place, since they'd already paid the registration fee.
Of course I jumped at the chance. It was a golden opportunity to spend some quality time with her and show off one of my better qualities. I'd been running since high school and considered myself a better than average road-racer. And ten miles was just about my favorite distance. Or at least, it had been at one time. In fact I hadn't been running a lot of distance lately. Maybe a few miles now and again in the park. But, I'd logged a lot of miles in my day and I figured I could go the distance.
She, on the other hand, had been putting in a lot of mileage. While we were dating, I don't think I ever saw her run more than a few steps at a time. But apparently, without the distraction of having me around any more, she had become an avid distance runner. And she had been training specifically for this event.
Me, not so much.
The race was held on a perfect fall day -- nice and cool. The course covered a fairly flat section of Rock Creek Park, pretty much five miles out and five back. Piece of cake. I met her at the start. She seemed pleased to see me. I was psyched to see her and ready to show her how, now that she was a runner too, we had even more in common than before. We would run together, encourage each other, endure hardship and pain, sweat and struggle together. And in the end, we would form a stronger bond than ever.
It was a foolproof plan.
For the first few miles, it seemed to be working. We ran along together, chatting, getting into a groove, settling into a rhythm. She was in pretty good shape, too. She started out a little faster than I expected. I had thought we might begin at a nice leisurely jog, and that she would probably need to rely on my years of road-racing experience to help set a proper pace. However, after a few miles, she seemed to be the one setting the pace and I was pretty much just trying to stay with her.
At the halfway point, she started to pull away from me. I reluctantly told her to go ahead, I just needed to get my second wind. I would be fine. So, off she went -- on her own, moving ahead until she was almost out of sight. And then, finally, she was gone.
The next five miles were grueling. I was dying. But I couldn't stop. I had to keep going. Maybe she would slow down and I would catch up to her. At the very least I had to make a good showing at the finish line.
I began to face the fact that I was in no shape for a ten mile race. I wasn't even running anymore -- I was just punishing myself. I could tell I was doing major damage to my knees, but I just couldn't give in.
I still had my pride.
I actually did catch up with her at the end. But by that time I could barely stand. I clumsily tried to lean on her for support, but she pulled away uncomfortably. I was in serious pain, hobbling through the chute to the check-in table. By now I had given up on impressing her and was just going for sympathy. But I wasn't getting any. She seemed put off by my suffering. After we picked up our race t-shirts, she pretty much ditched me.
For the next few weeks, every step I took felt like someone was jamming a jagged knife right through my kneecap. Every agonizing jolt was an excruciating reminder of exactly how stupid I can be. It was months before I could walk without pain. I couldn't run for almost a year. For a while I thought I might never run again.
But, eventually, I recovered and lived to run again. Lesson learned.
Or was it?
Last weekend the company I work for had its annual summer beach party, known officially as "Fuck Off Day." They reserve a spot on the beach in Malibu and we all take the day off and hang out. Some folks just sit and enjoy the sun. Some play volleyball. And some fools go swimming in the ocean.
Not that swimming in the ocean is foolish. But this particular spot happens to have a really gnarly beach break. I found that out last year when I tried to do a little body-surfing and got badly trounced by a real butt-stomper of a wave. I was dashed against the sand like a rag doll and pummeled like a little punk.
This year, I promised myself I wouldn't be so reckless. I would respect the surf. Of course I still planned on going swimming, I just wasn't going to tempt Poseidon by being overly bold or incautious.
As luck would have it, when I got to the beach I ran into a lovely young woman who said she needed a swim buddy. And not just any lovely young woman -- this woman also happens to be a producer on the show I am about to start working on. Essentially she's my new boss. A quick dip in the ocean offered the perfect opportunity to bond with her and show her how youthful and vigorous I am. See, TV is a young person's game and I don't want to be seen as an old codger. Especially by my new boss. Especially by my hot, young new boss.
So off we ran into the surf. Oh, did I mention, it was freakin' cold. How cold? The kind of cold that when it hits you, it sucks every ounce of energy right out of your body. But she didn't seem to mind it at all. She swam out beyond the breakers and I followed. I was now literally in way over my head. She mentioned that she lives near the beach and goes swimming in the ocean every morning before work.
Now you tell me.
After bobbing and frolicking in the water for what seemed like a frozen eternity, she started heading to shore. Thank God. But then she decided to try and catch some waves. They were pretty good size, and like last year, they were breaking way too close to shore. She dropped into one and I watched her go under as it came down hard. I scanned the churning water and waited for her to pop up again. Fortunately she did, cheerful as ever. I was relieved.
Only then did I realize that I was right in the path of another big wave, poised to take me down. I quickly dove into the curl to try and swim through it, but I was too late. The wave slammed down right on top of me and folded me in half -- sending me tumbling ass over teakettle. I hit the bottom hard and got pounded and dragged along, practically losing my trunks in the process. Somehow I managed to hold on. I fought to right myself and pull up my trunks before the wave cleared, so that when I emerged I would appear unscathed and chipper. I finally struggled to my feet, still yanking on my trunks.
"I didn't know where you were!" she exclaimed.
That makes two of us.
Unbelievably, she still hadn't had enough, and managed to catch one more wave into shore. I stumbled after her, battered by another wave -- barely able to get back on my feet before she saw me. Thankfully, mercifully, we headed back up the beach.
Nevertheless, I felt pretty good about the whole adventure. Nothing broken. No humiliating accidents. Nobody drowned. I think I did manage to bond with my new boss and appear somewhat spry. All in all it was a success.
I toweled off and headed over to the lunch buffet the company had set up for us. I sat down at a table with a couple nearer to my own age. I told them about my little adventure in the water and they just laughed. I guess it did sound pretty ridiculous. Once again I was witlessly lured into trying to prove myself to someone who probably couldn't care less. And was soundly thrashed for my stupidity.
Maybe next time I'll be wiser.
Maybe.