Saturday, June 15, 2002

Bye Bye Bri



When I first heard that Brian and Romy were planning to move back east, my immediate reaction was: "Can I have your apartment? I mean, boy am I going to miss you guys! Can I have your apartment?" Admittedly the apartment market out here is nowhere near as cutthroat as New York and I had no excuse for my selfish and insensitive outburst. It's just that Brian had this great apartment with lots of windows and covered parking and really low rent. I couldn't help myself.

The truth is, I am going to miss Brian and Romy, who, by the way recently got engaged and are about to embark on a cross country move back to New York. Other than my cousins in the Valley, Brian was the first person I knew in LA. He moved out here about a year before I did to work for an ultra-hip architecture firm in Santa Monica. During my first few months in town, he let me use his apartment to write spec scripts while he was at work. That was his old apartment, which wasn't nearly as nice as the new one. But it was in a great neighborhood and I spent a lot of time wandering around there and eventually found a place nearby. I liked the fact that I was in easy walking distance of Bri's place. It made it seem more like home.

I met Brian several years ago when we were both temping at a law firm in New York. I was living in Brooklyn and needed a new roommate and Brian's lease was up, so he moved in. We got along very well and Brian ended up joining the men's group I was in and becoming one of my "brothers." After a few months or so, Brian quit the temp job and started working on his portfolio for architecture school. He wanted to apply to Harvard. He spent all day every day for three or four months drawing, designing, even building furniture -- like the famous "scissor chair" and the cantilevered bookshelf. The work must have paid off because Brian went to Harvard.

I saw Brian off and on while he was at Harvard -- whenever he was in town he'd show up at a men's group meeting and catch us up on his adventures in architecture. When he graduated, he headed off to California where the streets were paved with architecture firms. Brian worked for a firm that seemed to have at least a dozen other Harvard grads. Whenever there would be a party or other social gathering, Brian would invite me along. I think of the first twenty people I met in LA, at least half were Harvard educated architects.

On weekends, Brian and I liked to go hiking. Brian was great at picking out new trails to explore. We invited others along on our adventures and it soon became a regular thing. For a while there we had a group of about fifteen hikers in our gang. We dubbed ourselves "Hike Club."

Meanwhile, Brian's Mom was busy making sure her son would find the right woman to settle down with. She put out the word to her West Coast contacts and set Bri up on a couple of dates. I was amazed. What a deal! I think it was about the second or third of these setups where Brian met Romy. Right from the start I knew that Romy was a keeper. For one thing, she liked hiking and even when Hike Club fizzled out, the three of us continued to hit the trails frequently. Plus, she was generally up for adventure, not one of these high-maintenance chicks, but a real trooper. Smart, beautiful, funny... What's not to like?

Eventually, they moved in together and I knew where that was headed. Bri got laid off at the architect firm, but at about the same time got a gig designing a house for his aunt Viv out on Long Island. Romy hadn't really expected to stay in LA long-term, she's a psychologist and mainly came out here to take a one or two year job as a counselor to troubled kids. So, about six months ago they started making plans to move back east. And that's when I started making plans to take possession of their apartment.

A Lesson for the Kids: We decided to call Brian's landlord and introduce me and tell him that I was interested in renting the apartment. We figured he'd be happy to not have to go through the hassle of finding new tenants. He could even raise the rent a bit and I wouldn't mind. Well, I did talk to him and he wasn't sure how much he was going to raise the rent because he was thinking of doing some remodeling. He said he would get back to me. I waited about a week and called him and he told me that the apartment was promised to someone else. What? But I called first! That's not fair! He didn't care. When I told Brian, he said maybe he should have just sublet the place to me, the rent would have stayed the same and no one would have been the wiser. But no, we had to be honest and legal -- and we got screwed.

Oh well. Looks like I'll be staying in my tiny apartment for a little while longer. This weekend I went out and bought some shelves so that I could move all of the stuff that's piling up on my floor. Saturday night I had dinner with Brian and Romy at a fancy Mexican place in my neighborhood. They're leaving at the end of the week. Things just won't be the same around here. I guess I'll have to go out and make some new friends.

Maybe I should call Brian's Mom...

Happy Pop's Day
Love HWD

Wednesday, May 15, 2002

This Is Not A Hoax



Sorry that this month's newsletter is a few days late. (Not that anyone besides my Mom would notice.) But I've been battling a virus recently... No, not that virus -- although I am still battling the mystery virus that has had me walking around like a zombie with ADD for the past two months. The other virus I've been battling lately is even more insidious. That's because it's a computer virus.


Now, before you get worried, rest assured that I have completely rid my computer of this diabolical infestation, thanks to the help of my computer savvy sister Cindy who sent me a little program specifically designed to wipe out the so-called "klez" virus. Thanks Sis.

The klez virus is actually kind of ingenious, not only does it get into your email file, but it also infects your anti-virus software, causing it to shut down. That's why you need the special klez-fix program to wipe it out. Then you have to remove and replace your infected anti-virus software. Who comes up with this nasty stuff?

According to my friend Erika, it's all those geeks waiting in line to see Star Wars.

This klez virus got into my hard drive and started sending out emails that pulled lines of dialogue from some of my screenplays and put them in the subject line and then included entire screenplay files as attachments! I realized this was happening because I received one at my email address at work. The sender was random, but the subject line was strangely familiar. And when I looked at the attachment, I recognized one of my own screenplays!

In a way, it is kind of impressive, but why go through all this trouble just to create random irritation? Why can't all of this computer-geek knowledge and ingenuity be harnessed for the benefit of society, instead of for the purpose of perpetrating childish pranks?

How, you ask? I have a few ideas:

The NRA virus - this virus would get into the bank accounts of the National Rifle Association and reroute all funds to the National Endowment for the Arts. How hard could that be? NRA gets changed to NEA, no big deal.

The Al-Qaida virus - this one's a little trickier, it would have to track all of those terrorist emails that the NSA has picked up and trace them back to the source. Then it gets inside the terrorist's computer, waits for the terrorist to fall asleep and creates a massive circuitry overload that shorts out the computer and causes an electrical fire that burns down the terrorist's house. Now that would be an impressive virus, not to mention patriotic.

The Chain-Breaker virus - this one is the most beneficial to society of all. This virus would seek out anyone who forwards an email that contains either:


A) A cloying series of reasons to feel "blessed," coupled with a threat of bad luck to whomever fails to "share" the hokey sentiments with at least five other suckers.

B) An absurdly illogical "promise" that Bill Gates and/or Santa Claus will pay cash money to anyone dimwitted enough to forward said "promise" to all of their equally dimwitted friends. By using highly sophisticated email "tracking" software designed by psychics, Bill and/or Santa can tell whose been naughty and whose been nice and reward them accordingly.

C) A "warning" that every household product in common use today contains enough toxins to completely wipe out the human race or at least cause a nasty rash that won't go away. These bogus "warnings" are often accompanied by helpful links to websites that offer special "all-natural" products that contain nothing whatsoever.

Anyone who forwards these such emails will be instantly targeted by the Chain-Breaker virus which will erase the offender's hard drive and then replace every file with illegal porn, while at the same time contacting the local FBI office and providing them with a complete dossier of the subject along with samples of the objectionable material. Let them see how it feels to receive unwanted and offensive crap via the Internet!

If any of you know any computer-geeks, hackers or overly-enthusiastic Star Wars fans, feel free to pass along my ideas to them. I believe these kids are simply looking for an outlet for their energies and talents. Let's give them something to be proud of! Let's give them a reason to become a part of society instead of an anathema to it. Let's make this cyber-community a wholesome place where honest, red-blooded Americans can go about their business, using their computers for decent and good-natured purposes like peeking into coed dormitory shower rooms or arguing about how many times Captain Picard broke the Prime Directive on 'Star Trek - The Next Generation.'

Please forward this email to five other people within the next five minutes. If you do not, you will be visited by a plague of festering boils.

Have a blessed day!

For information on DHMO, a widely used yet completely unregulated chemical compound that has been shown to be linked a wide range of human diseases, and possesses tremendous physically destructive capabilities, please use the following link:
http://www.dhmo.org/facts.html

Stay clean, everybody.
Love HWD

Monday, April 15, 2002

You Always Believed in Something



I've been asleep for the past four days. I had gum surgery last week and the next day I entered into some kind of energy vortex like the ones they have on Star Trek, where no matter what you try to do, the warp engines just can't produce enough power to get you moving. The only thing left to do is to shut down all systems and drift forward on short bursts of impulse power. (Star Trek marathon on cable this weekend.) So I cashed in a couple of sick days and went horizontal.

Ever since I got back from D.C., I've been dragging my ass around like it was made of lead and my head was full of sand. I spoke to my doctor this morning, just before visiting my tax advisor, and he said it sounds like I have a 'viral syndrome'. This is not to be confused with the 'China Syndrome' in which a nuclear meltdown burns a hole through the earth's core and out the other side, nor is it in anyway related to the notorious 'Vinyl Syndrome' which is characterized by the refusal to purchase digitally recorded music of any kind and the steadfast belief that no good music has been released since 1978. A viral syndrome is some kind of mysterious disease that can only be cured by lying around for days watching videos and drinking lots of chocolate soy-shakes.

About the only part of my brain that remains operational is the part that likes to make up stuff. While lying in bed half-awake/half-asleep for hours on end, the semi-coherent babbling of my internal monologue starts to develop irritating repetitions that echo in my brain over and over threatening to rob me of what little sanity I have left. So, I write them down and call them "songs".

This particular song started out about someone who represented a certain kind of passion and hopefulness that I always admired. As I added verses, I discovered that there were others who shared that spirit and who have served as examples of how I would like to live my life, if I could only stay awake long enough to try.

Anyway, two people in particular are currently giving me inspiration: they happen to be my sisters. Susan is preparing to celebrate the 10th anniversary of The Buttonwood Tree, the bookstore/art gallery/performance space/cultural mecca she founded and has nurtured from seed to blossom. Cindy is in the process of completing her master's degree after having sacrificed her career goals to raise a family and then been plunged back into the work force as a single mom and starting all over from scratch.

It's cool to have a dream, and I think my sisters are pretty cool for believing in their dreams.

Here's a song for them.

You Always Believed in Something


When the party ended
And all the walls came down
You just kept on dancing
Around and around

After the flood was over
And everything was dry
You stood upon the mountain
Expecting to fly

You always believed in something
When all was said and done
You always believed in something
For everyone

In the dead of winter
When spring was far away
You were looking forward
To a brand new day

All along the highway
That stretches to the sea
Two of us were hoping
To be free

You always believed in something
When all was said and done
You always believed in something
For everyone

You looked so high
We thought you would never die
But I was still waiting for the fall
And if we try
To live without all the lies
It might have been worth it after all

As the fog was lifting
We stood at the gates of dawn
You wanted the moment to linger
On and on

And if there is a future
Where all our dreams come true
It might not seem so distant
If I could be with you

'Cause you always believed in something
When all was said and done
You always believed in something
For everyone


Now it's time for my nap.

Love, Rich