The 'Bu

"Alright, alright, alright..."

I had to get my car 'smogged' the other day. Normally this wouldn't be a problem -- my car tends to run pretty cleanly. But two years ago when I went in for my certification, my 'check engine' light was on, and that is an automatic 'fail.' They had to give me a tune-up, to the 'tune' of about two hundred dollars, before my car could pass the test. Funny thing is, the damn light came back on a couple weeks later and has been on ever since.

So, this time I went to get my engine 'checked' before my smog test. Once again, I had to shell out a couple hundred bucks to address the issue. And this time, I was told that I needed to drive the car sixty miles before I took the test -- in order to reset the 'check engine' light. The shop I went to last time never mentioned this. That could explain why the light came back on so soon -- they never really fixed the problem.

I have since changed mechanics.

Because I tend to put things off till the last minute, I had to make a sixty-mile road trip in order to reset the 'check engine' light before I missed the smog test deadline. I searched Google for a map showing a thirty-mile radius from my house.

As it turns out there is such a map.

I found a very specific map showing the entire greater Los Angeles area lying within a thirty-mile radius measured from an intersection about a mile from where I live. It's called the Thirty Mile Zone and it refers to the limit which union members in the 'industry' can be expected to commute without being paid travel expenses. Consequently, most television and movie production takes place within the Thirty Mile Zone. And the center of the TMZ (aka 'studio zone') is the intersection of La Cienega Blvd. and Beverly Blvd. (aka 'center of the universe'), which is a mere three-minute drive from my house.

And yes, that is whence the celebrity gossip website TMZ.com derives its name.

Looking at the map, I couldn't help noticing that the outer edge of the TMZ passes right through Malibu: The perfect destination for my little road trip.

My first trip to Malibu was over ten years ago with my buddy Brian. At that time, the famous Malibu pier was closed for repairs. We had some pizza and saw part of a documentary about the Malibu surf scene that featured iconic surfers Lance Carson and Miki Dora. Back in the Fifties, the Malibu surf scene was known only to a select few. Guys with names like "Tubesteak" and "Moondoggie" lived in grass shacks on the beach and dodged the cops when they weren't riding waves.

All that changed when a young girl named Kathy Kohner arrived on the beach one day, towing a surfboard nearly twice her size. Kathy wanted to learn to surf and she wasn't about to let her diminutive stature, or her gender, get in her way. The surfers tagged Kathy with the nickname 'Gidget,' short for 'girl midget.'

Kathy kept a journal of her Malibu adventures, which her father, who happened to be a screenwriter, turned into a book. The book became a series of movies and a TV sitcom. And Malibu was never the same again.

This time I decided to delve a bit deeper into the Malibu mystique. I visited a place called the Adamson House which occupies the land between the Malibu Lagoon and Surfrider Beach. Originally the land was a Chumash settlement. They called it "Humaliwo" which means 'the surf sounds loudly.'

The Spanish first arrived in Humaliwo in 1542, but did not return again for over 200 years. When they did come back, they established a mission on the site and the Chumash got 'Christianized.'

Eventually, the land came into the hands of the Rindge family who fought several long, losing battles with the state of California to prevent construction of the Southern Pacific Railroad and the Pacific Coast Highway. The Rindges had at one time owned all of what is now known as Mailbu, but after losing so many legal battles, the widowed Mrs. Rindge was forced to sell off the property bit by bit. One of the tracts she sold became the Malibu Colony, an enclave of movie stars who wanted a retreat away from Hollywood. The Rindges also built the Malibu Pier, which was where they used to park their yacht.

When she started running out of cash, Mrs. Rindge began looking for oil. Instead she found mud. But not just any mud -- Malibu clay, which was ideal for tilework. She established a tile factory and created some of the most prized tiles in the world. The Adamson House is filled with decorative tilework both inside and out and is sometimes called the Taj Mahal of Tile.

I wandered the grounds for a while admiring the tile and spectacular view, but I still had a few more miles to drive until I reached my thirty-mile mark.

I decided to cruise up Malibu Road and get a look at the Malibu Colony. I pictured a kind of funky, ramshackle place where guys like Hal Ashby and Robbie Robertson used to live. But now it is just another gated community for big stars like Tom Hanks and Howie Mandel.

I continued north on Malibu Road. I used to know a guy who lived up along there. He was in a group of hikers that used to get together every weekend. We called ourselves Hike Club. One afternoon, following a long, hot hike in Solstice Canyon, we gathered at his beach house to cool off. Well, it was really his dad's beach house, but he lived there, too. It was pretty great, sitting on the deck, sipping a beer, watching the pelicans fly by. Later, we went for a dip in the Pacific. Very refreshing.

It's a nice way to live.

I think that's why I like the show Two and a Half Men so much. If I can't have my own Malibu beach house, I can at least pretend I live in Charlie Harper's Malibu beach house for a half-hour every week. Or every night, thanks to syndication. I even bought a couple Charlie Harper style bowling shirts at the thrift store. It's not quite the same, though.

At one point as I was heading up Malibu Road, I saw what appeared to be an opening that provided access to the beach. You rarely see the beach in Malibu. The houses are packed in so tight that a gnat couldn't squeeze through. Even though, legally, the beach belongs to everyone -- access to the beach generally belongs only to the rich folks. But thanks to group called Access For All, there are now dozens of public accessways leading to the beach.

Even in Malibu.

I happened to find one of these public easements nestled between two huge homes about halfway up Malibu Road. I walked down to the beach where one of the homeowners had tacked up a sign indicating that the area extending 25 feet seaward, to the mean high-tide line, was private property. Since the water was almost up to where the sign was posted, I wondered exactly where I was supposed to go. It didn't matter too much, though. Many of these homes were damaged in last year's fires and are in the process of being rebuilt. So I was free to roam the beach without stepping on anyone's toes.

So to speak.

After a brief walk on the beach, I headed up to the PCH and turned south. I immediately passed by the Malibu Bluffs Park and decided to stop in and take a look around. As I wandered the trails along the bluffs -- overlooking Malibu Road and the houses I'd just driven past -- I began to feel quite at home in Malibu. Like I belonged there. I could easily imagine a brisk morning run along the bluffs followed by a cool dip in the ocean. That's the way life was meant to be.

All I need is $15 or $20 million for a beach house.

Maybe someday I'll get that beach house. Or maybe just rent one for a while. I guess until then I can always watch another rerun of Two and a Half Men and pretend I'm Charlie Harper.

I already have the shirts.

Angels & Demons

"Who do you think those people were? Those were not just some ordinary people. If I told you their names--I'm not going to tell you their names--but if I did, I don't think you'd sleep so well. "

It seems that, once again, the specter of The Illuminati has reared its ugly head, or should I say 'hood'? In the new Tom Hanks thriller, Angels & Demons, the nefarious Secret Society is conspiring to destroy The Vatican. And the only way to stop them is by following a set of clues they have left behind that will reveal their treacherous plot.

Or is it?

Perhaps it is all just a smokescreen, a cover-up, a clever bit of misdirection. After all, The Illuminati are notorious infiltrators who are constantly sending out mixed messages through the media to confuse and confound anyone who tries to penetrate their dark veil.

In fact, in the movie Angels & Demons, Tom Hanks's character Robert Langdon seems to spend most of his time defending The Illuminati. They are academics and truth seekers, like himself, who have been wrongfully maligned by the Church, just as he has. Certainly that doesn't excuse them from blowing up the Vatican, but as the plot thickens and the list of suspects grows, we are no longer certain who is behind this evil plot. Could someone be using the specter of The Illuminati as ruse to hide their own diabolical motives?

Or is the movie itself merely a ruse? Another brilliantly conceived Illuminati plot to divert our attention from their plan to take over the world?

Or have I been reading too many books and websites about Secret Societies and Conspiracy Theories?

It's possible.

In the course of doing some research on a new screenplay I'm writing, I have scoured the Internet and the local library for information on Secret Societies and Conspiracy Theories. And as far as Secret Societies and Conspiracy Theories go, there's no match for The Illuminati. They are the The Sine Qua Non of Secrecy, the All-Purpose Plot-hatchers, the Go-To-Guys of Gobbledygook.

One of my favorite Illuminati Conspiracy Theories involves the Mysterious Death of Stanley Kubrick. Apparently, shortly after delivering the final cut of his movie Eyes Wide Shut, Stanley died of a heart attack. Not so mysterious, you say, Stanley was seventy years old and had just completed a strenuous two-year-long production. He reportedly died peacefully in his bed at his home in England. These things happen.

But when you examine the many symbols and clues that Stanley included in Eyes Wide Shut, you find a veritable manifesto of Illuminati Secrets. Not to mention the infamous Masked Orgy sequence in the middle of the film that basically throws open the doors to a Secret Illuminati Ritual. Having thus violated the cloak of Illuminati Silence, Kubrick was murdered, both to prevent him from revealing more and as a warning to others.

Sure, plenty of movies have flirted with revealing Illuminati Secrets, but Eyes Wide Shut must have really struck a nerve.

The brilliance of Angels & Demons is that it talks directly about The Illuminati, but in a context that makes them seem like a relic of history, instead of the All-Pervasive Puppetmasters of the Modern World. But there they are on the big screen: Hidden In Plain Sight.

One of the methods used by The Illuminati to further their evil ends is Mind Control. Another Kubrick movie, A Clockwork Orange, uses Mind Control as one of its central plot devices. And after the movie was released in England, Kubrick received several death threats, forcing him to move behind the guarded walls of a secluded country estate. (Of course, guarded walls and secluded estates are no match for The Illuminati.) Kubrick also references Mind Control in Eyes Wide Shut, with several thinly veiled allusions to the CIA's MK-ULTRA project. As everyone knows, the CIA is riddled with Illuminati, via their exclusive Ivy-League conduit, the Skull and Bones. The same Skull and Bones, mind you, that brought us George W. Bush and his father George H.W. Bush, who in addition to being president was also director of the CIA.

MK-ULTRA pops up in another movie, aptly titled Conspiracy Theory, starring Mel Gibson and Julia Roberts. In it, Mel is a victim of an evil CIA psychiatrist (and obvious Illuminati member) played by Patrick Stewart. Julia is an attorney with the Justice Department who tries to help him. At one point, Mel explains to Julia the basic Conspiracy Theory premise: "A good conspiracy is unprovable. I mean, if you can prove it, it means they screwed up somewhere along the line."

In the movie Three Days of the Condor, CIA analyst Robert Redford discovers a conspiracy involving a 'CIA within the CIA'. Classic Illuminati tactics, by the way -- infiltrate a secret organization and subvert it from the inside out. Redford finds out that their plan is to invade a Middle Eastern Country to gain control of their oil production.

And that was way back in 1975!

Three Days of the Condor was directed by Sidney Pollack, who also played the part of Victor Ziegler, the Illuminati Overlord in Eyes Wide Shut.

Coincidence?

I think the best Conspiracy Theory movie of all time is the The Matrix, allegorical though it may be. The idea that we are all living in a fantasy world made up of a series of meaningless distractions while an Evil Controlling Entity is literally sucking the life out of us is just about the most perfect metaphor for Illuminati World Domination ever put on film.

But, in my research, I have found something that may be an even better Conspiracy Theory than The Illuminati. In her book 'Secret Societies', crackpot author Sylvia Browne suggests that there is a group so secret that NO ONE HAS EVER HEARD OF THEM! The group is composed of 22 members, who have infiltrated all of the other Secret Societies, INCLUDING THE ILLUMINATI!

I know!

And how does Sylvia know about them? She heard it from her spirit guide, "Francine".

Right?

And what is their purpose? World Domination, of course! To create a New World Order, i.e., a one-world government under American control. And they have formed numerous other Secret Societies as a smoke-screen to carry out their goals.

Now, I could tell you the name of this Super-Secret Society, but then, of course, I would have to kill you.

I may have said too much already. Maybe I'll write them into my screenplay. As long as I don't get too close to the truth. I don't want to end up like Stanley Kubrick.

Or do I?

It's No Secret

A couple of years ago I was loitering in a photo gallery on Sunset Boulevard called Morrison Hotel. Theoretically, I was there to view the works of legendary rock photographer Henry Diltz. I had actually met Diltz at an opening there a few weeks earlier. We were standing in front of a picture he took of Jimi Hendrix onstage at Woodstock. And when I say 'onstage at Woodstock', I mean Diltz was literally standing on the stage about ten feet away from Hendrix. It suddenly occurred to me that the guy I was talking to was the guy who took the picture. Of Hendrix. Onstage. At Woodstock.

Turns out Diltz is a real nice guy. He told me some interesting stories about hanging out in Laurel Canyon with Joni Mitchell and Graham Nash, and touring with the Stones in '72. Unfortunately I didn't have any money, or I would have bought one of his photos.

At the Diltz opening I also met Claire, a lovely young woman who worked as the gallery's receptionist. We chatted about screenwriting. She had a semi-interesting idea that had something to do with being surrounded by all of those amazing photographs all day. Her idea reminded me of a Ray Bradbury story, which I mentioned, but she had no idea who Ray Bradbury was. She also told me about a book she'd read called The Secret, which had something to do with imagining your way to success and happiness. That reminded me of a book I'd once read called Creative Visualization. She'd never heard of that either.

I happened to find a copy of Creative Visualization in a used bookstore called The Bodhi Tree during one of my many walks around West Hollywood, and so I thought I'd stroll by the Morrison Hotel gallery one afternoon and drop it off for Claire. I thought it was a gallant gesture. She seemed unimpressed. We talked some more about The Secret, which was beginning to sound more and more like New Age Hooey. She tried to explain the core premise of The Secret, which is called the Law of Attraction. It states that your thoughts generate some kind of magic energy field that literally attracts what you desire.

Although it seemed a little silly to me at first, I thought I would give it a try. After all, I don't claim to have all the answers. Maybe Claire was really onto something. And, I knew exactly what to ask The Universe for: I wanted Claire. So, I thought about her. I even Googled her. And since she was not only a receptionist, but also an actress, I managed to find one of her headshots online. I put her picture on my computer and imagined how wonderful it would be if she and I were together. I felt confident and grateful that The Universe would manifest my desires.

A week or two later, I went to the gallery to give Claire a flyer for an upcoming Buzzards gig. She wasn't there. There seemed to be some uncertainty as to when she might be there again. I went back a week later to see if she had gotten the flyer. I had, of course, been imagining how great it would be when she came to the gig and saw me up onstage playing and singing with my band. So cool. I felt certain that she would soon be mine.

Oddly, though, Claire was not at the gallery when I went back. I don't know if she ever got my flyer. She didn't come to the gig. In fact, I never actually saw her again. Could it be that merely imagining that you will get something doesn't actually guarantee that you will get it?

I decided to forget about The Secret.

For the record, this was not the first time I had encountered such a philosophy. As a child, I remember seeing a copy of the book The Power of Positive Thinking in our house. And I recall my Dad telling me about the successful use of visualization in the training of Olympic athletes. During my research for my first screenplay "Merlin" I came across various texts which discussed the correspondence between conscious thought and manifest reality. That's when I first read the book Creative Visualization. I myself have practiced aspects of this method. For years I have been carrying around a copy of a $100,000 bill in my wallet to remind me that my prosperity is imminent. For years. I have also been a lifelong Hope addict and incurable optimist who has dedicated himself to the fulfillment of a nutty dream despite an avalanche of disappointment and rejection.

So, when I was browsing through the online catalog of the West Hollywood Library and saw the DVD version of The Secret, I decided to add it to my "on hold" list. Apparently, I was not the only person who had put The Secret on hold. In fact I believe I was around number one hundred and eighty three on the list. It took quite some time for me to finally get my notice from the library that The Secret was available for me to check out. The better part of a year at least. Maybe more.

I watched The Secret with a mixture of skepticism and hope. Part of me thought it might be good for a laugh, and part of me was thinking, 'Maybe...'

I was right about it being good for a laugh. There are all these goofball experts on there sharing half-baked anecdotes about how 'positive thoughts are 100 times more powerful than negative thoughts' even though negative thoughts have the same ability to attract things as positive ones. And how worrying about debt actually causes debt. Really? 'Cause I thought not paying your bills caused debt.

Mostly it was, as I had originally suspected, a lot of New Age Hooey. Although some of it was downright dangerous hooey, like the woman who claims to have cured her cancer by watching funny movies. Now, I'm all for holistic healing, but I don't think it's very responsible to recommend that people forgo their chemo in favor of Pauly Shore flicks. In fact, I think most people would find the chemo far less objectionable.

There was even a guy named Jack Canfield, co-author of Chicken Soup for the Soul, who said he made up a fake $100,000 dollar bill and put it in his wallet to remind him that his prosperity was imminent. He called it his "abundance check." And wouldn't you know, within a year he went from making $8,000 to nearly $100,000. In just one year! Asshole. I've been carrying around my goddamn fake $100,000 bill for nearly three and a half years. And I ain't got crap.

Sure, there's a certain amount of wisdom to focusing on the positive in life. But the fact is, only hot young women ever get their desires granted by The Universe, and when I say The Universe, I mean, of course, horny rich guys. The rest of us have to work for a living.

But my analysis of The Secret was not a total loss. As it happens, I watched The Secret the same week that the Republicans released their alternative budget. And I have to say that after years of failing to understand the conservative political ideology, I think I finally get it.

They believe in The Secret!

It's true. The key to understanding the Republican approach to governance can be found by applying the tenets of The Secret. Allow me to explain: The basic premise of The Secret is that what you desire will be attracted to you. However, and this is crucial, you will also attract what you don't want by harboring negative thoughts. That is why it is so important to focus on the positive.

Now, look at the Republican response to the failed economy. They want to freeze all further government spending. Why? Because by trying to "fix" the problem we are focusing our attention on what we don't want. But, by ignoring things like Unemployment and Debt we cease to call them into being and they simply go away. Regulation of banking and other industries is likewise a futile endeavor, for it is simply creating the expectation of failure. Instead we need to allow The Market (i.e., The Universe) to bestow its abundance upon us. Health Care? A no-brainer. The more money we spend trying to fight disease, the more disease there will be for us to fight.

It's frickin' brilliant.

Perhaps the most inspired of all Republicans is former President George W. Bush. He used The Secret to formulate an entire foreign policy. As it is explained in The Secret itself, rich powerful and successful people have known about The Secret for centuries. And who is more rich, powerful and successful than the Bush family? The Bush Doctrine relies on one of the fundamental principles of The Secret, that you must act as if what you seek is already manifest. So, if we believe that a country may someday pose a threat, we should invade that country as if the threat were real. If we believe that Saddam could have WMDs, we must bomb the crap out of Iraq as if those WMDs had actually been found.

In the end, The Universe will deliver unto us what we deserve. Peace, Security and Democracy For All.

Now that I understand the conservative mindset, it no longer confuses and frightens me. I realize that rich and powerful people are a lot like hot young women -- they really do believe that all their good fortune is a reward for being positive and righteous and has nothing to do with luck or circumstance. And so long as they keep getting what they want, they'll keep believing in The Secret.

As for me, I'm going to keep on thinking positively. But I'm not telling anybody what I'm wishing for. It's a secret.